Raising Children... A Walk In The Park... JURASSIC PARK!!!

There has never been a truer statement than the one I used as a title when it comes to raising children. The purpose of raising a child is to teach them the necessary skills so they can thrive in society in a way that allows survival and protection from physical, sexually, and emotional damage.  

When we take the time to understand the needs that are not being met it corrects the mistaken approach of the child and it allows the parent to respond in the best developmental way possible. There are five basic needs we will discuss in this blog that all children need. You will notice as we go through them that we as adults also need these things to survive. 

1. The need for contact and belonging.

Children's brains are continually developing and growing. They need physical touch, eye contact, and personally belonging. A child is a new member of a family and inclusion allows them to create meaningful relationships with parents and siblings. Even simple things like teaching children to help with chores shows them that they are an important part of the family. We as adults should act in patience because children really do want to help. When one of my younger brothers first learned how to vacuum, he was the only one that was allowed to vacuum. Every time he would hear the vacuum going, he would run over and demand to help out. It took twice the amount of time and he had to be supervised. At times it would have been much easier to say, "no thank you, I got this", but that would have only taught my brother that he was not needed. When a child does not receive the needs of contact and belonging, they turn to undue attention seeking. They will act out and do things that will irritate and drive you insane as the parent. The best thing you can do is offer contact freely and teach our children to contribute whenever possible.    

2. The need for power.

Children need to feel like they have power. A wise parent can give age-appropriate choices to their child. Small things like if you want to wear a blue shirt or a red shirt make a young child feel like they have power. You can control a situation with well thought out choices. You can tell your kid, would you like your PB&J sandwich cut in squares or triangles? Either way they are eating their sandwich, but by giving them a simple choice you allow them to feel empowered. With each choice clear consequences should also be established so they know the outcome. Often natural consequences are the best teachers. When children do not have power, they rebel against those in authority over them or they look for control over other people they can push around. 

3. The need for protection, both physical and psychological. 

A child is a fragile and precious gift to a family from a loving God. He wants us to protect these children from physical, sexually, and emotional danger. Children need to feel safe, and we do that by teaching them assertiveness and forgiveness. When they do not feel protected by their guardians, they often go to revenge to cope with their anger. 

4. The need for withdrawal.

Everyone loves being a social butterfly all the time, right? No matter how much people like talking to each other, we need a break every once and a while. Children also need this. For example, if your working with your child in the garden in the hot sun, you may go take a break inside with ice cream and then return to the task. You are teaching your child it is okay to withdraw from a certain task for a moment if you have the intention to return to it at a later time. When a teenager says they just need some time and space alone, respect their choice. Undue avoidance is when a kid is constantly avoiding things that matter with no intent to do it. This can be a disaster when it comes to schooling and planning out your future.  

5. The need for challenge and skill developing. 

Children need a world where they can develop skills and be challenged daily. Children learn to excel as we give them opportunities to build on the skills they have already developed and allow time for new skills to be created. Undue risk taking occurs when this need is not being met. They will go out and make their own dangerous choices that could lead to harming themselves or others. 

As you could see children need these basic needs as much as we do. You can never get enough of what you do not need, because no amount will satisfy your needs. It's when you focus on what you do that you need to grow the most.

If you are anxious about something and you try to avoid it, it teaches your brain that in order to survive you need to have no interaction with it. This is true for phobias of snakes, spiders, and clowns. It is also true in family relationships. You may have anxiety about dating and finding the "perfect" person, so you avoid dating in its entirety. Well, the way to solve this situation is to go on dates with people. You must face your fears to overcome them. In a relationship with a child or a spouse if there is a difficult discussion you are avoiding, it will only cause more stress if you do not address it. If there is a massive purple elephant sitting in your dining room, you are going to talk about it as a family!! Do the same thing with those things that cause you anxiety, even if it’s hard, and then you will be able to have your core needs met in all your relationships.