Conversing: The Most Difficult/Easiest Daily Challenge

Imagine a day without any form of communication. Texting, phone calls, connecting over social media, or in person conversations would not be allowed. How long could you go without taking out your phone to send a text or sparking a conversation with someone in the grocery store? In my opinion, it would be hard to completely ignore such interactions unless you were deathly ill, or you decided to sleep and watch TV all alone by yourself for a day. Conversations are like oxygen to the relationships we have in this life. Without them, the relationships we have would fall apart and no longer exist.

In a conversation there are messages that are being passed back and forth between individuals. We all have thoughts and feelings, and everyone wants to be heard. In the most basic model of communication, we express these emotions through an encoding process using some form of media. The job of the other participant is to decode the attended message and then send one back. As this pattern continues a conversation is created.   

As we communicate there are three major influencers to help us best understand the messages we receive. The obvious one is the words we use. Words make up about 14% of the conversation, whereas the tone of our voice makes up 35%. Much of our conversations is nonverbal signs or gestures, at 51%. When one or more of these are absent, we cognitively fill in the gap with our own feelings and thoughts. The danger with this is that we could be completely wrong and not even know. For example, a text message could be sent implying a certain feeling, but because the receiver has a much harder job at decoding the message without the help of tone and nonverbal cues, he could completely miss the intended message. Emojis and punctuation can be somewhat of a help, however there is still room for err. So, while texting and social media can be conveniently nice for us to connect on, they should never replace face to face conversations.  

Even though we see the importance of communication, too often we don’t have the much-needed conversations and frankly we do not even know how to do them peacefully. One of the leading reasons for divorce is fighting and arguments. This typically starts because the couple never learned how to effectively communicate with each other. In every conversation there are two parts, the listener, and the speaker. When two people are talking then no one is listening, and the thoughts and feelings of others are not fully being understood. When we listen, it leads to understanding and when we understand we can resolve issues much faster.

At a traffic intersection there are lights indicating to the drivers when they are allowed to continue going forward. Just like how traffic signals give extra direction, developing certain skills can allow you to better cross through difficult intersections in the relationships you have. You can cause a serious accident when you don’t wait your turn at an intersection and the same is true if conversations are only one-sided.

I will now share with you 5 communication skills I recently learned from studying the work of American psychiatrist, David Burns, that can help us all have more effective and meaningful chats.

1.  The disarming technique. This is when you find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if they don’t deserve it.

2.  Show empathy. When having conversations, put yourself in the other person's shoes. You can show empathy by paraphrasing the other person's words and by recognizing how the person is probably feeling.

3.  Ask questions to better understand and learn more about the thoughts and feelings of others. This shows that you are invested in a conversation.

4.  Use “I feel” Statements. No one likes being called out, so don’t use “you” statements. When you tell the other person how you feel you are being open and honest with them. You shouldn’t expect a person to automatically know how you are feeling.

5.  Show a level of respect even if you feel angry with the other person. Try to find something positive to say even if you feel they don’t deserve it. Being genuine will calm the situation and make it easier for you to communicate.

Using these and other skills creates an environment where the rage and anger of emotions can be put aside, and we can truly focus on the core needs of each other. Yes, having these types of conversations are difficult, because in our minds we always want to be right. Knowing how to talk, especially through difficult topics, increases the value we personally see in our marriages, family life, and relationships with those we daily interact with.